Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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