I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
