There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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