At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize