Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Im just a social blackout drinker.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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