i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
