I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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