I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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