You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
