Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
