i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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