Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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