my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
