You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Im just a social blackout drinker.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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