he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
