There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
