So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
