An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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