"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
