Need sex. Gaining weight.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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