omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
