I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
