I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize