Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
