No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
