ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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