put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize