I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
