Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
