i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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