My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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