If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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