Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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