my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
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