I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
