I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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