i already hear my dad disowning me
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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