Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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