his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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