We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
