mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
