I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
