weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
