How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize