Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
