I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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