There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
