last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
