best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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