Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
