in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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