we're chasing vodka with high fives
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
