she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
