dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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