thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You work out of a Hotel?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
