My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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