Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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