I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize