I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
