i think my mom watched the whole time
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
