Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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