I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
