I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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