you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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