There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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