I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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