the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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