Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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