you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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