rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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